Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
