i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
