Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
