I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
