what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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