just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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