Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
