I skipped work to stalk him.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
