i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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