I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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