went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
