now i know why i became what i already was.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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