I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
