She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
