i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
