Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
