You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
