We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
