This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
