I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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