This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
