now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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