This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You need a sexual gate keeper
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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