Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
