Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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