$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
