So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
