I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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