i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
