I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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