When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
