Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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