Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
