I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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