i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
