bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Damn victory sex feels great
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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