If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
