tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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