what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
