That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
