Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
