My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
