WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
