At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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