my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
