Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
