In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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