I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think your dad took our porno
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
