Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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