I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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