I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
