I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
