i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
