it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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