put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
