Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
