why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
