I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
