i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
