Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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