Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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