I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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